Friday, March 09, 2007

Useless Application for a Useless Job

Portfolio Manager - Community Cohesion, Partnerships and Well Being

Location: Suffolk
Salary: £48,777 - £53,388 plus benefits
Closing date: 7 Mar 2007
Do you have a high commitment to public service and a passion to improve performance in the delivery of services to the community?

Salary £48,777 - £53,388 and a generous relocation package of up to £5,000*
For all posts a drive and commitment to the development and improvement of the Council as an 'enabling' authority is essential. You will have good change management, communication and organisational skills. Experience of budget management and business processes are also essential requirements for these posts.

You will develop the Council's approach to user focus and diversity by devising a strategy for consulting and engaging with the many diverse groups to offer an excellent service to our whole community.You will support and facilitate the Local Strategic Partnership and promote the Council's responsibilities in Suffolk's Local Area Agreement. You will lead on diversity issues including children and young people initiatives, community engagement, community safety and social inclusion.

Waveney District Council is an Equal Opportunity employer, offering a range of family friendly policies and welcomes applications from all sections of the community. We are currently under represented at Senior level by disabled people, people from ethnic communities and women and would particularly welcome applicants from these areas.

I fancy this one. So i sent in an application.

Dear Sir or Madam or Person of TransGender Identity

I am writing with regard to your exciting position of Wellbeing Manager in Waveney Council. I am a dedicated, hard-working person (though of course i have nothing against lazy, sponging shysters) and am 110% committed to driving organisational change. Why only the other day, i instituted some 'organisational change' of my own in the PommyGranate household. The missus had been slacking on the cooking front of late and i told her, in no uncertain terms, that enough was e-fucking-nough. I'm no old-fashioned bloke, i can assure you, but a man has a right to expect a little dinner on his plate after a hard day in the office, right?

Anyway, i think i'm just the man for your job. Sadly, i'm not a bird, nor have i got an all-year round tan, nor am i ever going to compete in the 'Special' Olympics, but i am definitely your man.

Please do not pay too close attention to the minor incident on my police record; it was a long time ago and i was severely provoked - the guy called me a poof in front of my mates. I mean, what would you have done? Now I have been called many things in my time (mostly deserved) but one thing i am not is a fucking pillow biter. I did what any self-respecting guy would have done. Unfortunately the presiding magistrate was one of those new-age hippy-types and banged me up to serve at Her Majesty's pleasure. Storm in a teacup pal.

Anyway, i digress. I have bundles of experience of working with children - in fact i have six of my own. And let me assure you, there are no discipline problems in the PG household. I find a rolled up copy of the FHM a very handy deterrent against 'creativity' or ADFuckingHD or any of that modern trendy shit that has blighted households up and down the land.

I also have much experience of working with people of 'ethnic' backgrounds. In fact when my youngest started school last year, we were a little taken aback on discovering there was a Muzza in his class. After the initial shock had died down, i discovered that little Mohammed hadn't actually detonated the science lab, nor had he declared holy jihad on Mrs. Berstein, the Geography teacher (a right little pricktease, that one). In fact, if you could bear the constant smell of chicken korma, he wasn't such a bad lad.

Finally, i'm currently living in Sydney, so you'd need to up the relocation package a tad from the 5k shown. Also, just so we're singing from the same hymn sheet (to use the sort of wanky management parlance you seem to love), i assume that this is a typical governement job in that i can take as many sick days as i like, be totally unsackable, and draw an index-linked pension from the age of fifty onwards (next year, in fact).

Yours excitedly


ps any good birds in the office? i dont normally dip my pen in the company inkwell but you cant beat a top set of headlamps on a cold, wet Wednesday morning, eh?

Disclaimer; PC-types - this is a Friday funny. If you are offended by this job application, you need to get out more.