Tuesday, February 20, 2007

You have two cows; blogosphere version

Harry's Place;
You have two cows. One of them is convinced that the chickens are planning a coup. You support an armed invasion. The hen coop is destroyed. You upturn no evidence of a coup in the coop but continue to support the cows for years. You ask the cows how they plan to remove themselves from the coop as cows don't live in coops. They don't know. You are inundated in snide remarks from the rats and the cockroaches for years to come.

You have two cows. You decide that they have become too dependant on your handouts and are getting fat and lazy. You tell them they must start fending for themselves. They die.

Melanie Philipps;
You have two cows. You are convinced they are huge anti-Zionists committed to the destruction of Israel in disguise and shoot them at dawn.

You have two cows. Gordon Brown taxes you on the milk produced by six cows. John Reid slaps an ASBO on one of the cows for mooing in a threatening manner, and sticks a CCTV camera up its arse to monitor its behaviour. Peter Mandelson passes fifty regulations detailing how the cows should be milked, and the Department of Health and Safety bans cows from jumping over the moon. Tony Blair declares himself unfit for purpose and promptly resigns over a cash for cows scandal.

Tim Blair;
You have two cows. You are unhappy that they are only producing 1 million tonnes of methane per annum. You upgrade your car instead to a Range Rover Twin-Turbo Oxygen-injected V12, capable of a maximum 2 miles to the gallon. You buy a sticker for your car saying, "My other car is less fuel efficient".

Tim Worstall;
You have two cows. You cover the cows with adverts, move to Portugal and drink rioja for the rest of your life.

Mark Steyn;
You have two cows and two rabbits. You go away on holiday for a year. When you come back you discover you have two cows and six rabbits. You write a book, Cows Alone, on how rabbits are set to take over the world.

You have two cows. Every time one of them farts, you detect a significant rise in the earth's temperature. You fly your private jet to Florida to attend a Global Warming conference for advice. You are ordered to plant one hundred trees to become carbon neutral. One year later, the shade produced by your trees has destroyed the grass. Your cows die.

Climate Change.com;
You have two cows. China has one trillion, growing at the rate of 100 billion per annum. You vigorously campaign to reduce the methane emissions from your two cows by 30%. You ignore the cows in China.

Daily Kos;
You have two cows. You decide that they are obese, odour-challenged and have learning difficulties. You place them on a strict vegan diet and teach them outcomes-based learning. They almost die. You take them to see a Vet. The Vet charges you $4,000 for a half hour consultancy and then refers you to a neurosurgeon for a brain scan. He fails to find one.

Little Green Footballs;
You have two cows. You sell them and buy pigs. Just to piss off the Muslims.

Disclaimer; i enjoy all the above blogs and this post is in no way an attempt to mock the writers. Except Daily Kos.