Monday, February 26, 2007

Britain is to blame for all the world's ills

Oh dear. The guilt-ometer is showing a new record high.

The International Coalition for British Reparations wants the British taxpayer money to shell out $51 trillion (that's $51 million million) . Blimey. What for?

Any student of world history will tell you that if he had to pick a single nation to pin all the world's troubles on, Britain is far and away the obvious choice.

OK. We are the devil incarnate. So what must we do to assuage our guilt?

We, the International Coalition for British Reparations, are asking that the greatest criminal nation on earth—the British—pay up.


All roads of human suffering, particularly in the 20th century, lead back to Britain.


i) Genocide
Modern Britain was founded through the systematic erasure of indigenous culture and language. The English rounded up natives, seized their property, and forced them to relinquish their heritage and take on British language and culture as their own. Anyone who dissented faced extermination. This practice began in Scotland, Wales and Ireland and soon spread all over the world, where the British Empire plundered natural resources and enslaved native peoples then left without building the stable infrastructure or governments necessary for self-sufficiency.

ii) The Industrial Revolution.
Beginning in the 18th century, Britain began making our lives worse through the introduction of machines in the workplace. The health, safety, and wages of workers took a back seat to owners' greed for ever-higher output and profits. The skies above the city—first London, then the world—were filled with black smoke. Waters were poisoned with noxious chemicals. Under the careless watch Britain's elite, the Industrial Revolution got off to a horrible start, the consequences of which have continued to ring down through the centuries. The melting of the polar icecaps, the loss of countless plants and animal species, and the imperiled condition of the human race on a planet made poisonous by misapplied technology are all a consequence of British negligence and hunger to accumulate wealth at any cost.

iii) Global Misrule.
The terrorist threat has its roots in British mismanagement of the Middle East, particularly Egypt, Israel, Jordan, Iraq, and Saudi Arabia. Britain's imperialist past has so enraged Muslim extremists. Now America is deploying our sons, daughters, and tax dollars to clean up the mess that Britain made. The deaths caused by all the major wars of the 19th and early 20th century could have been prevented, or at least lessened, if the British hadn't waited until their backs were up against the wall before getting into the action. Most of the worst tyrants in power through the end of the 20th century were put there by the British, or came to power by filling the power vacuum the British Empire left behind.

iv) Bad Inventions.
Machine guns, slums, prisons, child labor, bad hygiene, the Black Plague, concentration camps, you name it. If it hurts people, the British probably came up with it.

Ouch! But how have we gotten away with this for so long?

Britain has long controlled our patterns of thought through the modern university, an English invention. They control what we say through their hold over English, the global master language. More recently, they've bought the minds of some of our best and brightest—including numerous top U.S. politicians and public thinkers—through the Rhodes Scholarship, thus insuring that the false innocents of Britain's public image never has to face scrutiny.

So why $51 trillion?

Thirty-one trillion pounds is a fairly arbitrary figure

Oh I see.

So who gets the cash?

Everyone has suffered the consequences of the Evil Empire. We proposed to distribute the reparations monies equally between all the people of the world. Dividing a £31 trillion settlement between 6.5 billion people gives us roughly £4,770 or $8,350 for every man, woman, and child on earth. It's far from enough, but it's a start.


We don't believe this is due to any inherent defect in the character of the British people.

Phew, i was very worried then.

So who is behind the ICBR?

Steven A. Grasse, a cultural studies analyst and media communications expert

So what will happen to this petition?

We plan to present a full copy of the petition, in person, to Queen Elizabeth II at Buckingham Palace

NB - Britain's GDP is $1.8 trillion

Via; Harry's Place and Pub Philosopher