Wednesday, April 18, 2007

A Self-Hater's Guide To Science

Further to Tim Blair's list of Life's Little Contradictions, here is a Self-Hater's Guide to Science

Artists' Law of Bravery
Criticism of a religion is inversely proportional to the probability of its proponents killing you multiplied by their density

Boyle's Law
Global Warming is a product of peer-Pressure and the Volume of calls for 'something to be done'.

Wilberforce’s 1st Law of Guilt;
Guilt (as measured by public prostration) is inversely proportional to Responsibility (as measured by personal involvement) multiplied by Time (since event occured)

Dawkin’s 2nd Law of God
Belief in God is inversely proportional to belief in Gaia

The Roe Wade Feminist Law
Hatred of the killing of adults (gun ownership and war) is directly proportional to Love of the killing of babies (abortion)

The Marx Brotherhood Law (via Sondrak)
Hatred of killing murderers (capital punishment, self-defense, and war) is directly proportional to the love of killing innocents (abortion, terrorism, and class struggle).

Mo’s 1st Law of Seething
Volume (of Islamic anger) is directly proportional to Force (severity of the latest Islamic atrocity)

Kepler's Second Law of Planetary Motion
The 1st Law: "The orbit of every planet is an ellipse with the sun at one of the foci."
The lesser known 2nd Law states; "The sun has no connection with the temperature of the Earth. At all. All plantary temperature changes are caused by man-made CO2s, especially from SUVs"

Newton's Laws of Motion;

Leftist's 1st Law of Motion
A Leftist idea, once in motion will remain in motion unless acted upon by a sensible argument.

Jihadi's 2nd Law of Motion
Force of a suicide bomb equals its mass multiplied by its acceleration through a packed shopping centre.

Latte-sippers 3rd Law of Motion
To every action of John Howard/Tony Blair/George Bush, there is an equal and opposite reaction, regardless of what they say.

Sting’s 4th Law of Motion
Speed (with which rock stars sign up to Live Earth) equals Mass (number of homes they own) multiplied by Time (since last record sold)

Browne’s 2nd Law of Osmosis
Support for the free diffusion of people (immigration) is inversely proportional to support for the free diffusion of goods (free trade)

Archimedes' Principle
The net upward buoyancy of an Iraqi 'insurgency' unit is equal to the magnitude of the Iraqi and US troops murdered by the unit.

The Anti-Semites 1st Law of Thermodynamics
The total amount of energy devoted to a Leftist cause remains constant, although it may completely change form over time. For example, once a persecuted minority learns to stand up for itself (e.g. Israel), a constant amount of energy will switch from its support to its destruction.

Heisenberg's 'Outcomes-Based Learnings' Uncertainty Principle
Uncertainty of any useful facts is to be positively encouraged for all school children.

Einstein's Theory of Cultural Relativity
Gang rape is wrong unless committed by one whose culture turns a blind eye to it.

Hooke's law of Elasticity
Elasticity of the demand for Australian Republicanism reduces in line with its proximity to Anzac Day

Moore's 2nd Law
The number of violent crimes in the UK will double every 24 months.

Darwin's 2nd Theory of Evolution
Only the fittest will survive except for those sustained by an EU welfare budget.

Darwin's 3rd Theory of Evolution
Despite decades of evidence to the contrary, socialists will cling to the belief that State ownership of the means of production will lead to a higher standard of living and will refuse to evolve.

Peel's Law
The severity of a crime is inversely proportional to the vigour with which it will be pursued by the police

Feminist's Law of Acceleration
Speed (to denounce a male hate crime) is directly proportional to the Colour of the perp multiplied by his Class to the power of his Religion. Acceleration is maximised by the presence of a white, Catholic, middle-class male.