Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Have You Seen this Man?


Derbyshire police have alerted members of the public that Mr. Dave 'Mad Axe' Evil has escaped from his open prison whilst on a character-building visit to his family in Manchester.

Mad Axe is currently serving two years for the brutal axe murders of seven schoolchildren. The attacks were thought to be unprovoked and stem from Dave's abusive childhood and subsequent hatred of schools and children.

Anyone with information about Dave should contact the Derbyshire police station between the hours of 9 am and 11 am Tuesdays and Fridays.

Inspector Knacker warned the public not to approach Dave nor to attempt to identify him in anyway as under new laws, this would represent a breach of his human rights under Article 51 (c) of the Right to Murder Citizens Act 2004.

Any members of the public attempting a citizen's arrest may be charged with a breach of the Murderers' Confidentiality Act, which carries a maximum ten years in prison under solitary confinement with only bread and water.

Top City law firm, Blood Suckers & Leeches, have warned police that even a blurred image may contravene Dave's right to total anonymity. Law spokesman Ima Wasteofoxygen,

"We believe that Mr. Evil will be unable to be tried for his actions as the public is now wildly prejudiced against him. We have initiated proceedings against Inspector Knacker for a gross violation of his human rights."

Inspector Knacker has taken himself in for questioning and the police station will be closed until further notice.

In other police news, 87 year-old war veteran, Arthur Smith, was arrested to be held indefinitely in Guantanamo Bay, for driving his profusely haemorraghing wife to hospital at 33mph in a 30mph zone.

Adapted from Private Eye