The rules of political correctness

Thought the phrase "pommy bastard" was safe from the PC thought police? Wrong. Not sure what to call your local ethnic minority community? Not sure who to blame for crime, high unemployment, loutish behaviour etc? Then look no further. Read this ands you should be safely armed for any Eastern Suburb/Primrose Hill/Lower EastSide dinner party.

Rule 1; The world can be neatly divided into a small number of groups.

Rule 2; Each group will consist of Victims or Oppressors.

Rule 3; Victims are always blameless, no matter how they got there. Likewise, Oppressors are always guilty.

Rule 4; The demands of Victims are always to be supported.

Rule 5; Cultural diversity is always to be encouraged unless it benefits the Oppressors.

Rule 6; Groups are assigned Victim or Oppressor status according to their power and wealth. Victims must be less powerful than Oppressors.

Rule 7; There must be no movement between the two groups. An Oppressor cannot become a Victim and vice versa. If Oppressors see the error of their ways, they can start hating other Oppressors but they cannot become Victims. A Victim cannot become an Oppressor because it would require the adoption of behaviour that was not blameless, violating Rule 3.

Rule 8; Free speech is only permitted for Victims but not by themselves. They must be represented by "community leaders" who are above both groups. Anyone who questions a Victim must by definition be an Opressor and therefore wrong. Oppressors' opinions are not worth hearing and are banned.

Rule 9; Victims are to be awarded enormous compensations at all times. Nothing is demanded in return. However, the offspring of Victims may become Oppressors.

Rule 10; Criminal acts committed by Victims are purely a result of their status and as such are the direct responsibility of Oppressors. Criminal acts committed by Oppressors are evidence of their innate evil.

Rule 11; If one group of Victims fights another, support must be given to the least powerful and wealthy of the two groups. For example, when gays accuse Muslims of homophobia, they are acting as Oppressors because gays are more successful than Muslims etc etc.

Rule 12; Actual truths and facts are irrelevant because of Rule 3.