Thursday, June 14, 2007

A PG Exclusive! Gordon Brown's New Cabinet

Prime Minister.
I'll say that again, Prime Minister.
Me. Not Tony. Me. Gordy. Supremo. Chief. Boss. The Broonster.
Ha! Power at last!
In the immortal words of Richie Benaud, "piss off Tony, you're out!"

Deputy Prime Minister
Me again!
Yup, not hard to look good against the previous occupant of this position, eh?
Just show up for work, avoid shagging the staff and try not to
fuck the country up.

Minister For Taking The Blame
The Rt Hon Member for Not Succeeding Me
David Miliband
Remind you of another grinning idiot? Yup, me too.
I have cunningly devised a plan to pin all the shit on him.
Think your gonna succeed me, eh pretty boy? Think again, loser.

Deputy Minister For Taking The Blame
The Rt Hon Grinning Idiot
If the shit won't stick to Miliband, then Tony has kindly agreed
to be blamed for everything that will go wrong.
And i intend to keep TB busy in his new role.
Oh yes.

Chancellor of the Exchequer
The Rt Hon Member for The Pearly Gates
Because it's going to take a fucking miracle to salvage this economy after ten years of me tinkering with it.

Treasury Secretary
The Rt Hon Member for Sherwood Forest
We can always count on Paul's vote by continuing our policy
of robbing Peter to pay him. And thanks to me, there's far more Pauls than there are Peters. What a plan!

Minister Without Portfolio
Ed Miliband
Another candidate to replace me.
Not on your life pal. No way, Jose!
No portfolio, no responsibility, no nothing.
Knob off.

Minister Without Principle
The Rt Hon Member for Whatever It Takes To Get Votes
You can always rely on Pete, no matter what the issue, to
speak entirely devoid of principle, views, or opinions.
First man in any supremo's (yes, that's me now) new team.

Defence Secretary
The Rt Hon Member for Crying
Faye Turney (aka Topsy)
About time the defence forces were led by a compassionate woman.

Minister for the Arts
The Rt Hon Member for Tubbyshire
This should tick a smorgsmabord of diversity boxes.
Not human, gay, purple, ethnic, fat, jug ears and barely literate.
Oh, and has an aerial for a head.

Head of the Tax Office
The Rt Hon Members of the Streets With No Name
These boys have forgotten more about tax avoidance than you
or I will ever know. Perfect for the job.

Culture Minister
The Rt Hon Member for Binge Drinking
Freddie 'Shipfaced' Flintoff will lead the charge to remove
alcohol from Britain's streets, singlehandedly.

Minister for Liberty
The Rt Hon Member for Mauritius
Dave the Dodo

Minister for Spin
The Rt Hon Member for Yosemite
I am often asked whether 'spin' will be consigned to the dustbin of history.
Over to you Yogi...