Global War on Terror World Cup Qualifier

A busy opening week for the jihadists as they are involved in err, every game. This just in from our reporter Heidi Mypictureplease, at the home of English football, Craven Cottage

Group A; North Eurabia

England 1 Islamists 2
A real end to end battle in this opening tie of Group A. The home team got off to a dream start when winger Charlie Clarke managed to have the mad Mullah, Abu Hafeez Hanzmissing, sent off for seven years in the opening five minutes. However, the Jihadists quickly countered with what looked like an inocuous header straight into keeper, Jack 'Manof' Straw's, hands. The big lad fumbled it and silky striker Ahma Suicidebomber was there to slam into the roof of the net. Straw was last seen muttering "I've supported Blackburn Rovers since i was a kid you know"

The Islamists then took a suprise lead when Ahma won the ball in midfield, carving a beautiful pass into the path of midfielder, Djiih Wotawankarr, who blasted the away team into a 2-1 lead.

And that's how it remained at full time. The game was not without incident though, with most criticism reserved for referee "Sir" Ian Blair. Following Wotawankarr's splendid second half winner, he proceeded to lift his shirt over his head, revealing a T-shirt with the words "Death to all Jew scum dogs". Blair then arrested and ejected a supporter who dared to object to these eminently sensible words.

After the game, Heidi caught up with home skipper, Tony "Jackie Milburn" Blair.

"So Tony, you must be disappointed to lose this crucial opening qualifier?"
"Not at all Heidi. It's an excellent result for all moderate Muslims in this country. After all, a sizeable minority of our poulation doesn't even support us, so winning would have been highly offensive to them."

Islamist boss, Osama Bin Scorin', was quick to praise his team's victory. "It's a very busy week for us with thirty eight games between now and the weekend but with a squad of 1.5 billion to draw from, we are confident of victory. We are also delighted that tomorrow's clash in Spain has been cancelled due to the home team's decision to emigrate en masse to Greenland."

Tomorrow - France versus the Jihadists in the Stade de Banlieue.